Friday, 31 October 2014
It's all coming back to me now.
Thought for the day: Surround yourself with people who "get" you. I'm happy to say that I have a small collection of people in this world who totally get me. These people get my sense of humor and they appreciate it. They can talk to me and not at me. They can listen, really listen, without having to say anything. I, in turn, listen to them, and if they ask for my advice, I'll give it. If they don't ask, I don't feel obliged to comment. Of course I realize everyone is different and that's totally awesome, but there is something equally awesome about having people in your life who make it possible to say anything or do anything you want to do without being judged, without risk of them being offended because they know you and they know your intentions and they know when you are joking and when you aren't. I like being able to be me without fear of judgement or ridicule. The list of people may be small, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. Physical distance is nothing between awesome friends (and family).
Wednesday, 22 October 2014
Walking on a tight rope. Oh shit, where's my safety net? That's right, I don't have one.
Some days I feel like I've been thrown into the deep end of the swimming pool. Guess what folks? I can't swim. I could probably stay afloat if I didn't panic, which I would, so if my metaphors were real, I'd drown. Luckily for me, I'm not really being flung into a pool. Interestingly enough though, that doesn't stop this overwhelming feeling I have lately that I'm sinking. Treading water isn't easy for all of us after all.
I think it'd be safe to say that I don't manage my stress well. Frankly, I don't manage it at all. It manages me and it does a mighty fine job of doing so. I find it hard to cope with a child who seems to have some kind of invisible remote control that is directly wired to me. She pushes the buttons, often. I'm a reactor. I yell. I yell a lot. It doesn't do any good of course. It just makes my voice hurt, really. It's a vicious cycle I'm trying to break, I'm just having a bit of trouble in the success department momentarily. Also, I seem to be grumpy like a lot. I'm not going to lie, I believe I was born grumpy. Baby comes out, look she's destined to be a super grumpy bitchface. Yep, that's me.
Stress brings out the worst in me and I seem to bring out the stress without any real need for it. I'm an overanalyzer. Example: If someone tells me how lucky I am to have my husband (yes, this happens frequently), I hear "You aren't good enough for him". It seems to be a pattern though. When I was 6, my neighbor who was the same age as my oldest sister, told me that the following day we would lay out and get a tan (Yes, its bad for you now, but no one knew that then), and then we'd go down to the Panther and get ice cream. That was some pretty exciting shit for a six year old. So the next day I got on my bathing suit, and put my clothes on over the top and headed next door to her house, let me tell you, I was BEYOND excited. She answered the door and told me that she had decided she was going to do all those things she had promised to do with me, with her boyfriend's sister instead. Yep, I was no longer invited. What did I hear? "You aren't good enough". In 1st or 2nd grade, kids at school went for some kind of testing and some kids got to get put into TAG (Talented and Gifted). I wasn't one of those kids. "You aren't good enough". I tried out for cheer leading in second grade, I didn't make it. "You aren't good enough". In sixth grade, I got sick, I had to take steroids and my face ballooned up bigger than anyone would've thought was humanly possible. Most of my friends quit talking to me. "You aren't good enough". I auditioned for show choir and of course I didn't make it. "You aren't good enough" Do you see the pattern?
I have a problem with negative thinking. I know this. I know that I over analyze everything that is said to me. I over analyze things that aren't said to me. Hell, I even over analyze things that will probably never ever be said to me. It's what I do.
I started this blog a couple of weeks ago and didn't have time to finish. Interestingly enough, the things that were stressing me out then are now kind of a non-issue. I wrote a song about it and moved on. Maybe I'm stronger than I thought.
Of course now, things have gotten really weird. I *think* I made up with someone who I figured I'd never speak to again. That was nice. It made me feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. However, what ended up opening up a dialogue box with this person (after zero dialogue for more than two years), was being screamed at by some assface posing as a human. A very shitty Eeyore type mumbling human, but a human nonetheless. Dude thought he could verbally abuse someone I love (we'll call her Betty) without me commenting. He must be a dreamer or an idiot too, because that was never going to happen. Of course, Eeyore then turned on me and continued to say horrible things to me. So anyway, long story considerably shorter, I had to contact She Who Must Not Be Named (yeah, that was my nickname for her when we had our falling out, I'm a Harry Potter nerd, after all) and ask her to do me a favor, well a favor for *Betty*, but still, it opened the dialogue and so that was good. The fact that this massive ass hat tool dude decided to verbally abuse me seemed to spur *Betty* into action to finally drop the dickhead from her life. Except that didn't really end up happening. It was talked about, it was assumed, and then it didn't come to life. So, now I have a new person I'm not speaking to, *Betty*. Weird. The reason I'm not talking to her is because I cannot be subjected to the kind of stress that dealing with the ass face tool dude brings. I refuse to allow myself to get sick and have a Crohn's flare up, which unfortunately is already starting to happen now thanks to the stress of it, so if *Betty* really wants to talk to me, she'll have to get her shit together.
As much as I respect that *Betty* is a grown ass woman and is fully capable of making her own decisions, I also know I don't have to accept or agree with those decisions. I respect that everyone makes choices in their life and her choices are her own, however the choice to stay with a dead beat piece of shit jerk directly impacts my health. That may sound dramatic but it's true. Imagine having someone you love constantly putting themselves in danger by staying in an unhealthy toxic environment with someone who has proven time and time again that they can't be trusted. Imagine also having a chronic illness that flares up under situations of stress. That's what I'm dealing with and I refuse to have anything more to do with that toxic situation. When I got verbally abused and screamed at that was the turning point, or so I was told. Then the excuses came, "I've still got to do this and then I'll get out", "once I've finished with this, then I'll go", "I hope to be out by Friday". Except, you know what I hear? He said horrible mean things to you and I'm choosing to overlook that for whatever reason because "You're not good enough".
And this time, I'm not falling for that shit.
I think it'd be safe to say that I don't manage my stress well. Frankly, I don't manage it at all. It manages me and it does a mighty fine job of doing so. I find it hard to cope with a child who seems to have some kind of invisible remote control that is directly wired to me. She pushes the buttons, often. I'm a reactor. I yell. I yell a lot. It doesn't do any good of course. It just makes my voice hurt, really. It's a vicious cycle I'm trying to break, I'm just having a bit of trouble in the success department momentarily. Also, I seem to be grumpy like a lot. I'm not going to lie, I believe I was born grumpy. Baby comes out, look she's destined to be a super grumpy bitchface. Yep, that's me.
Stress brings out the worst in me and I seem to bring out the stress without any real need for it. I'm an overanalyzer. Example: If someone tells me how lucky I am to have my husband (yes, this happens frequently), I hear "You aren't good enough for him". It seems to be a pattern though. When I was 6, my neighbor who was the same age as my oldest sister, told me that the following day we would lay out and get a tan (Yes, its bad for you now, but no one knew that then), and then we'd go down to the Panther and get ice cream. That was some pretty exciting shit for a six year old. So the next day I got on my bathing suit, and put my clothes on over the top and headed next door to her house, let me tell you, I was BEYOND excited. She answered the door and told me that she had decided she was going to do all those things she had promised to do with me, with her boyfriend's sister instead. Yep, I was no longer invited. What did I hear? "You aren't good enough". In 1st or 2nd grade, kids at school went for some kind of testing and some kids got to get put into TAG (Talented and Gifted). I wasn't one of those kids. "You aren't good enough". I tried out for cheer leading in second grade, I didn't make it. "You aren't good enough". In sixth grade, I got sick, I had to take steroids and my face ballooned up bigger than anyone would've thought was humanly possible. Most of my friends quit talking to me. "You aren't good enough". I auditioned for show choir and of course I didn't make it. "You aren't good enough" Do you see the pattern?
I have a problem with negative thinking. I know this. I know that I over analyze everything that is said to me. I over analyze things that aren't said to me. Hell, I even over analyze things that will probably never ever be said to me. It's what I do.
I started this blog a couple of weeks ago and didn't have time to finish. Interestingly enough, the things that were stressing me out then are now kind of a non-issue. I wrote a song about it and moved on. Maybe I'm stronger than I thought.
Of course now, things have gotten really weird. I *think* I made up with someone who I figured I'd never speak to again. That was nice. It made me feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. However, what ended up opening up a dialogue box with this person (after zero dialogue for more than two years), was being screamed at by some assface posing as a human. A very shitty Eeyore type mumbling human, but a human nonetheless. Dude thought he could verbally abuse someone I love (we'll call her Betty) without me commenting. He must be a dreamer or an idiot too, because that was never going to happen. Of course, Eeyore then turned on me and continued to say horrible things to me. So anyway, long story considerably shorter, I had to contact She Who Must Not Be Named (yeah, that was my nickname for her when we had our falling out, I'm a Harry Potter nerd, after all) and ask her to do me a favor, well a favor for *Betty*, but still, it opened the dialogue and so that was good. The fact that this massive ass hat tool dude decided to verbally abuse me seemed to spur *Betty* into action to finally drop the dickhead from her life. Except that didn't really end up happening. It was talked about, it was assumed, and then it didn't come to life. So, now I have a new person I'm not speaking to, *Betty*. Weird. The reason I'm not talking to her is because I cannot be subjected to the kind of stress that dealing with the ass face tool dude brings. I refuse to allow myself to get sick and have a Crohn's flare up, which unfortunately is already starting to happen now thanks to the stress of it, so if *Betty* really wants to talk to me, she'll have to get her shit together.
As much as I respect that *Betty* is a grown ass woman and is fully capable of making her own decisions, I also know I don't have to accept or agree with those decisions. I respect that everyone makes choices in their life and her choices are her own, however the choice to stay with a dead beat piece of shit jerk directly impacts my health. That may sound dramatic but it's true. Imagine having someone you love constantly putting themselves in danger by staying in an unhealthy toxic environment with someone who has proven time and time again that they can't be trusted. Imagine also having a chronic illness that flares up under situations of stress. That's what I'm dealing with and I refuse to have anything more to do with that toxic situation. When I got verbally abused and screamed at that was the turning point, or so I was told. Then the excuses came, "I've still got to do this and then I'll get out", "once I've finished with this, then I'll go", "I hope to be out by Friday". Except, you know what I hear? He said horrible mean things to you and I'm choosing to overlook that for whatever reason because "You're not good enough".
And this time, I'm not falling for that shit.
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