It's been a year.

I just realized it's been nearly a year since my last blog post. It's funny because I stopped writing in my blog for a couple of reasons. 1) I forgot my password, not realizing that I just log in with Google and 2) I felt better. I don't need to sit and write about things when I feel good. Writing is therapeutic for me. That's why I write songs. As it's been pointed out to me in the past (by people who would do better to mind their own business), my songs aren't very happy. I think that's because my inspiration for writing comes with things that are hard to say out loud. It's different with songwriting for some reason. Some of my favorite songs that I've written have come out of some really dark moods.

A lot has changed in the last year. I got to the point where my panic attacks were nearly completely gone, and now here I am sitting and writing, which means they're back. Not full force like they were, but lately I find myself getting panicky again from time to time. It's been a crazy year. I did my first ever musical, which is something I've wanted to do since I was in elementary school but was always too afraid to try. I also got very sick with the flu and was pretty convinced I was going to die for a week I felt so horrible. It was around that time that I sat down with my mom and unloaded some secrets that I had been harboring for the last 20 years. She, in turn, was able to tell me some of her own. I think it was probably the most empowered I've ever felt. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of me and hearing her own story just seemed to click a lot of things into place that I had always wondered about. It was around this time that I took to songwriting again. This time the song came to me in a rush while I was doing dishes. I'll be the first to admit it was definitely my most unshiny happy people kind of a song. To say that it got a reaction would be a teensy bit of an understatement. Without going into too much detail, my writing this song and posting it (like I do all of my songs) on youtube (for my therapeutic purposes) made one of the people it was about contact me after quite some time to ask who I was talking about in the song. Ironic, eh? The only person who asked me what the song was about was the person it was about. Funny that.  I ignored the message. And then a few weeks later, I got a friend request on Facebook from said person. That did it. I have a little bit of a temper and if I feel provoked you're going to know about it in a hurry. I (without profanity) told this person who and what the song was about, and, that said person's little secret isn't as dead as they thought it was. Then I walked out the door and went to a party. The party was quite fun btw. I then came home to find three shouty capital messages from someone else. Talk about being blind-sided. I didn't realize that a paragraph response to someone I loathe would elicit such a strong reaction from someone I loved. Yeah, the ranty pointed message wasn't from the same person that I wrote the message to, it was from someone else. Long story shortened even more, lots of things starting clicking into place. Basically, if I had listened to my dad when I was a kid and looked at all of the people he wasn't really fond of, I could have saved myself a lot of problems growing up and as an adult. My dad was the best judge of character. If he didn't like you, there was usually a pretty damn good reason.