My Anxiety Story -- Part 2 (When the low self esteem started)

I thought before I delve into the root of that first panic attack, I'd start a bit earlier with how I came to have low self esteem. I was always a pretty outgoing kid. I had lots of friends through the first six years of my schooling. In fifth grade I auditioned for a class play and I made sure I auditioned for (and got) the lead. I liked to be seen and heard. Public speaking was no big deal at all. The summer after fifth grade, I started getting sick. I was losing weight and the doctors didn't know why. Eventually, my doctor admitted me to the hospital where I was poked and prodded and starved half to death on liquid diets, but my spirits remained high. I was a jokester and I often had the nurses laughing, even when I felt really really awful. Soon, the doctors were pretty sure I had Crohn's Disease. They sent me off to Children's Hospital for a colonoscopy when I was eleven and the results were, in fact, Crohn's. Being told you have a disease at eleven, when "disease" was such a scary word, would be enough to shake anyones confidence, but I wasn't worried. I was carefree and silly and the word didn't really scare me that much. But what happened next changed my life (as I knew it) and I believe, it contributed to some of the anxiety issues, and trust issues I have to this day. My doctor put me on the steroid, Prednisone. I felt GREAT! I had so much energy that I was cleaning my house from top to bottom, scrubbing floors, making noodles from scratch, and constantly doing something. It was wonderful. Unfortunately though, the dose she put me on was extremely high --- 50mg and it was a long term thing. I started sixth grade, still super skinny and bony but feeling great on this medicine that was making me feel well again, no longer having horrible stomach pains and vomiting every time I tried to eat. Within a few weeks though, the side effects kicked in -- I gained water weight and my face ballooned up (facial mooning they called it....mine was bigger than any moon I'd ever seen). The teasing started instantly. I definitely found out who my true friends were and let me tell you, there weren't many. I went from being well known and liked by most people, to having a circle of about three friends. Kids constantly stared and pointed and would make comments about me looking like a chipmunk. That's when my self esteem went from pretty high to virtually non-existent. My grades didn't suffer at all, but my personality did. I went from loving the limelight to hiding behind everyone, hoping not to be noticed for fear that the teasing would continue. That old saying about sticks and stones definitely doesn't apply when you are eleven. When I started seventh grade, it was all much the same, only now there were more kids to make fun of me. Eventually, I was taken off the prednisone and my face came back to a more normal size, but the damage was done. I had already been teased relentlessly and had no desire to talk to most of the people I went to school with, even those who didn't make fun of me. I still had my small circle of friends but for the most part, I am pretty sure quite a few people don't even know I went to the same school as them, because I faded into the background and gladly accepted that label of "shy". I floated through high school, never trying to make new friends, not putting myself out there for anything, not playing sports, or joining anything that would require me to ever be put into focus. I wasn't happy, mind you, I still watched the beautiful people and longed to be one of them. I still wanted to fit in, but I didn't try to. I'm sure some people could just get over the teasing and get back to a place where they were comfortable, make new friends, and all of that, but I couldn't or didn't for whatever reason. To me, that year, that event, losing all of my friends because of how I looked, is really what set me up for my future problems with anxiety. I listened to what the kids said about me being fat and ugly, I believed it and I took it with me into everything I did. It became my excuse not to do things, not to put myself out there, because "what if" people made fun of me again. "What If" is the anxious person's catch phrase. Although, I didn't have panic attacks then, the events of that year, or more likely the way I dealt with (or didn't deal with) those events is what set me up to start second guessing myself by starting things with "What If". I desperately wanted to be in Drama Club and sing in front of people and be in plays, but the negative thought cycle started "what if I'm not pretty enough?", "what if I'm not good enough and I don't get a part in the play?", "What if people laugh at me?", "What if I'm not a very good singer?" So, I never tried. I let my thoughts take the lead and I didn't even try. I guess I'm starting to see that maybe the low self esteem came first and started my negative thought patterns which eventually led to my problems with Anxiety.